Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ~Elizabeth Stone

Friday, May 28, 2010

Appointment Update & Thoughts

We had our appointment today, and all is great! Baby was swimming around in there like crazy, moving all over the place, and his/her heart rate was 176. There is also no trace of any SCH, or anything else that concerns the doctor. She gave the go-ahead to go about my life as normal, woohoo! We got to see a 4D view of her/him, and it was so neat! You could clearly see the little face and arm, and it was just really neat. It actually looks like a tiny little human baby. Of course, it IS a tiny little human baby, but I guess that I still expected it too look somewhat alien-like.

I got to thinking a while ago, about how much I took my own pregnancies for granted. When we have ultrasounds done for this pregnancy, I hold my breath each time until we see the heartbeat. I never did that with my own children. I always just expected to hear/see the heartbeat. I never thought I'd go into labor early and have my baby stay in the NICU while I went home, and now that is one of my biggest fears. It never really occurred to me that all pregnancies are not as easy and care-free as my two were, until recently. After seeing what some people go through to get pregnant, stay pregnant, and bring a healthy baby home, it really changes your perspective about things.

I'm definitely more cautious with this pregnancy than I was with my own. I don't know if that's because this baby isn't mine, or if it's because of the thousands of dollars is took to actually GET me pregnant, or because of the horrible bleeding-to-death scare we had a few weeks ago... I'm sure it's a combination of all of those things! With my own pregnancies, I was careful, sure- but not over-the-top careful like I am now. I second-guess everything I do or think about doing. Things that I know really are OK, things I never would have thought twice about if this child were mine. It's such an odd feeling, really. For example, I needed a cavity filled last week. With my own, never thought twice about it. The doctor and dentist said it was OK, and that was all I needed to hear. This time though, I spent an hour Googling and reading about the effects of x-rays, novacaine, even the stuff they use to fill the cavity. Turns out it's 100% safe, which I knew already, I just wanted to make double sure. I would feel terrible if anything that I did, caused something to go wrong. The fact that this baby does not belong to me changes everything.

When I was pregnant with own children, by this point I was already planning what color to paint the bedroom walls. What kind of bedding to buy, whether to bottle feed or breastfeed, picking out names... This time, I don't have to do any of that. And ohmygawd, it is relaxing!! I don't have to stress about which kind of bottles will or won't give the baby gas, or whether to buy Huggies or Pampers. I really don't have to do anything except gestate.

Continuing that thought, my mentality is entirely different this time around than it was when I was pregnant with my own children. I never really thought I would become "attached" to this baby to the point where I'd want to keep it. But I'm sure that for every first-time surrogate, there is that tiny, tiny little wonder in the back of your mind. Because really, we've never done this before. We can never predict how we will feel with a situation that's foreign to us. I would never in a million years want to keep this child, but a tiny part of me wondered if I might get attached to the point where I would love the baby, and be sad to see her go home with her parents. And 11 weeks in, I can honestly say that I don't feel any of that at all. Which is a good thing, of course! But when you're pregnant with your own child, you feel an immediate love for that child, even when it's microscopic and doesn't have a beating heart yet. That is your baby, and you love it. I don't have that. I still feel like I have to protect this baby, the same as any mother feels, but that whole feeling of 'I-love-this-baby-more-than-life-itself' isn't there. I guess it's neither a good nor bad thing, just an observation, really. And I know that K has that feeling for this baby, yet she can't really do much except watch me walk around with her baby in my belly and pray that I keep it safe. I can't imagine what a helpless feeling that is. I can honestly say that if I were infertile, and surrogacy was the only way for me to have a child, I'm not sure I could do it. I'm not sure I could trust someone else to keep my child safe for me the way I would if I could do it myself. Everyone always says how wonderful and brave surrogates are, and I think that the actual parents deserve just as much credit for being brave. I don't even trust someone who isn't family to babysit my 3 year old, and K trusts me enough to let me gestate her child. I don't think I could do it, but I'm so glad that she and J have trusted me with this most awesome task. It is such an honor, I can't fully put into words all the mushy feelings it makes me have, but any surrogate reading this will know exactly what I mean.

Okay, that's enough thinking for me. I need to be in bed, getting my beauty sleep before setting off on my vacation tomorrow!

Wednesday, May 26, 2010


I just took my last Crinone and Prometrium!! And I took off my estrogen patch!! What an awesome milestone, I can't believe it's gotten here so fast. I remember back in February when I got my protocol sheet, and saw that I'd need to be on Crinone, Prometrium and Vivelle patches until 11 weeks, it seemed like such a long, long time. It flew by so fast though.

I bought a doppler, so that I can listen to the heartbeat any time I want. It came with a cord so that I can plug it into my computer, record it and e-mail it to K & J! How cool is that? So now I have to figure out how to record on this computer, ha! Maybe I'll have that figured out sometime before 40 weeks. I hope.

We have another ultrasound on Thursday, I'm looking forward to seeing the little bean and how much he/she has grown. I Googled pictures of ultrasounds at 11 weeks, just to get an idea of what the baby will look like, and it looks like a REAL BABY. Holy cow. It's amazing how fast they grow in the beginning. A few short weeks ago, this baby was the size of a pea, and didn't even have arms and legs. And now it's the size of a lime, and will DOUBLE in size this week (according to my Baby Bump app). Crazy!

Oh, and I was informed this past weekend that K's dad reads my blog, and is keeping an eye on me! So, this one's just for him.... HOOK 'EM!! ;)

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

One Quarter

Today, the bean is 10 weeks along. And that mean's we're one quarter of the way there! Also, one week from today, I get to stop my meds, yay! I'm feeling good about the pregnancy so far, but I'll feel better once we reach 12 weeks. I'm still a little nervous because of the bleeding I had, but as each day passes without anymore, I breathe just a little bit easier. Really, when we have the ultrasound on the 27th, I'll breathe a lot easier. I can't wait to see the bean kicking away in there!

I've finally gotten my appetite back, but my morning (all day) sickness has kicked into high gear. My OB gave me a prescription for Reglan, but it does absolutely nothing for it, ugh. However, Chris has had some sympathetic morning (all day) sickness, and the Reglan is working great for him. I'll ask my OB on the 27th for some Zofran. I know that works for me! I'm glad my appetite is back though. I'm going on vacation over Memorial Day weekend to the beach, and I would be crushed if I couldn't eat fresh calamari!

I'm getting so excited for this weekend. We're going to spend the weekend with K&J, and go to Little K's birthday party. I had a tutu made just for her, in her favorite colors, and I really hope she likes it. I think she will :)

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Great News!

We had an ultrasound today, and everything looked great!! The baby's heart rate was 176, and he/she is measuring at 8 weeks 3 days gestation (we're 8w5d) so it's pretty darn close. There also no SCH to be found. She said that it was possible that I may have bled it out. So, for now at least, everything is fine!

I still have to take it easy, but she said there's no reason why I can't go on my vacation in 3 weeks. Yaaaaay!

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Scary Night

On Thursday, at about 6:45pm, I started bleeding. Gushing is a more accurate term. I drove myself to the ER and waited 5 hours before they ever did an ultrasound. I was holding my breath, prepared to hear the worst, and the tech said "I see a heartbeat!" She turned on the sound, and there it was, beating away! I was so relieved, I just started crying. There is an SCH (subchorionic hemorrhage) in my uterus though. They are usually not a big deal, some never even bleed out, and they disappear. I read online that 1 to 3% of SCH's cause a miscarriage. Also, mine is "pretty small" according to the ultrasound tech, so that's good. I have an appointment at 1:30 on Monday with my OB for another ultrasound and hopefully we'll have some more information then.

For now, I'm just taking it easy. No heavy lifting, no strenuous activities, etc. I haven't done much since I got home, mostly just sat in the recliner. I'm afraid to do anything that might cause me to bleed like that again. That was definitely one of the scariest moments in my life. I've never seen anything like that. I honestly didn't think I could bleed that much and the baby would still be ok. I'm so glad that he/she is just fine!

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Quick Update

We had another appointment on April 30th. Baby's heart rate was 141 and he/she is measuring perfect. My uterus is also HUGE, which makes me feel a little better about *looking* so huge, haha. I thought it was all the Oreo's.

My OB told me to try Prilosec for my heartburn and it's already helping, thank goodness. I also got a prescription for chewable prenatal vitamins, because the ones I was taking before were making me sick.